33 weeks down, 7 more to go. Optimistically. I'm trying not to think about going overdue at the moment. 7 weeks is looking like an eternity right now... Oh how quickly perception can change. There I was, happily ticking through the weeks, smugly commenting on how my body seems to cope with pregnancy quite well when suddenly in the space of 48hrs it all changed. Hello SPD, goodbye easy pregnancy. For those unaware here is a Wikipedia link on Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction. I am probably only on the moderate end of the spectrum, certainly not at the wheelchair or crutches stage and hope never to be, but let me tell you, it still sucks. I'm also getting a lot of Sacro-Iliac Joint pain, in fact they are worse than in the pubic symphysis most days. Even fairly low levels of activity, such as just getting through the day with a toddler, are giving me a lot of grief.
I'm not just using giving me grief as a convenient turn of phrase, it is actually a very apt description. Because the SPD isn't just causing me pain, it has taken a great deal from me. Things of significance to me. I feel those losses acutely. I've had to stop carrying Chloe. This is a big thing for me. Huge. I don't think I fully appreciated all the emotional facets that Babywearing, or I suppose Toddler-wearing, held for me until it was no longer possible for me to do it. It gave me joy, it provided a physical bond with Chloe that is impossible to replicate. I miss walking along, talking to her, being able to hear her chattering back to me easily over the noise of the traffic. Knowing she was interested in something she saw, even if she was out of sight on my back, by feeling the excited kicking of her legs back and forth and the slight bouncing of her body up and down. I miss her turning her face up to me for kisses, just because. I miss the feel of her still body and her heavy head resting on my chest or back when she fell asleep. How often do we get to physically enjoy the stillness of our children? They certainly don't stop moving when they are awake.
Unexpectedly, I have also suffered a loss of confidence. A loss of a feeling of competence. I'm so used to the convenience of using a sling in my daily life that I baulk at the idea of going out with a pushchair and all the attendant hassles that go with it. Having to wait for a bus that has an empty pushchair space, manoeuvring through crowded streets and crowded shops, finding a space to park it in a busy cafe, avoiding steps... and all of this is made harder by the SPD which makes it painful even negotiating a curb with a child-heavy pushchair, let alone anything else. I never thought twice about going out with just a handbag and a wrap, striding out the door with Chloe walking beside me. I think twice about every activity now, and worry about how inconvenient or difficult or additionally painful it might be with the added concern of a bulky pushchair thrown into the mix. Not to mention worrying about the fact that Chloe used to walk a lot when I used a sling but she is laaaazy with the pushchair. I had been hoping to build up her stamina for when the baby arrives as I won't be able to carry her as much if I am carrying him, but I fear she's taking a step backwards in that regard, as well as just not getting as much exercise in a day. Hardly ideal.
So much is going to change when the new baby comes. A lot of adjustment is going to have to take place, for Chloe maybe most of all. I'm so aware of wanting to make the most of this dwindling time where it is just the two of us but I feel it is being wasted. Getting down on her level, kneeling on the floor with her, picking her up for a hug, going for a walk - all this causes discomfort, if not outright pain. I can't even consider chasing her around the park, twirling her in the air or rough-housing on the bed with her any more. I can't be as much fun as I want to be as a parent, constantly having to tell her I can't do something because of my "ouchy pelvis". And that's even when said "ouchy pelvis" isn't making me snappy and irritable over something that I know wouldn't normally bother me. Let us not forget the abrupt erupting into tears I keep doing in front of her lately. I've certainly had an emotional response to my feelings of loss and incompetence and I feel like I'm turning into an emotional wreck. I just can't keep my shit together all the time and I don't like falling apart in front of her.
Is it just the SPD and having to deal with the associated adjustments? Is it being 33 weeks pregnant and hormonal? It is fear of the unknown - how I'm going to cope with sleep deprivation, two kids and little additional support on a daily basis? All of the above? Whatever it is, I'm certainly not feeling smug about how well I'm coping with this pregnancy any more. So let's all hope baby Eros number 2 is as prompt as Chloe was when it comes to arriving when due 'cause like I said, 7 weeks is more than long enough from where I am standing now...
