Bath-time fun

Chloe and I had our first bath together the other night.  We wanted to try it cause Alex likes to make a deeper bath for her so she can float a bit and she didn't take to that quite how we expected.  Letting her body float while supporting her neck brought about a trembling lip, a weird noise and a look of terror in her eyes!  So we thought maybe if she was in the bath with me and felt me close she wouldn't be scared.  She did seem to really like it with me and enjoyed lying on my tummy and even decided to have a bit of a feed!  No pics of this one :)  Maybe she won't mind going swimming after all.  

Here comes the sun, little darling....

Chloe loves, loves, LOVES her Lamaze play mat.  There is an arch with a plastic sun you can attach to it that plays short little melodies while it's smiling face lights up different colours.  Looks kinda psychotic to me but what do I know?  Put her down on the mat when she's in a good mood and a smile creeps over her face til she can't smile any wider and she lies there cooing away to it, thrashing her legs and arms around and looking like she is having the absolute BEST time in the world!  It is so going to Canada with us.

Thoughts

I'm surprised at how natural this motherhood business feels to me.  I've never considered myself a maternal person, not least because I used to swear I was never having kids.  I'm not great with other people's children, I feel a bit awkward and don't really know what to say to them or how to play with them.  I was really worried that I wouldn't be a good mother.  Worried that I wouldn't cope with it well.  I'm sure the fact that, on the whole, Chloe is a pretty good baby is helping, but I've found it's all coming quite easily to me.  I think Alex and I are doing really well so far. 

People say that your world completely changes when you have kids, and while that is certainly undeniable, I don't really feel hugely different in myself.  It doesn't feel weird or scary, it just feels like a natural progression and that it is right.  My day to day existence is totally changed now but so far I feel like I wouldn't want to be doing anything else, even if I do start the day in bed with my hair covered in vomit.  A few years ago it might have been my own vomit, these days however, we can thank Chloe for that.  I know which I prefer!

I certainly don't have a burning desire to get back to work, in fact if I never went back to work I don't think I'd miss it.  That feeling may well change several months down the line when I am yearning for some adult contact during the day, but so far I'm content looking after Chloe's needs, trying to keep the flat in order, and occasionally being a lady who lunches.  

Having a wail of a time.

Auntie Kate was here the last few days visiting "The Egg" as she calls Chloe.  She brought the most adorable clothes for her, she's gonna be one fashionable baby!  

Ramsay made Kate feel instantly welcome when we came home from dinner to find he had pissed on a pile of her jackets.  Not a popular move.  Luckily Chloe refrained from topping it off, unlike when she welcomed her uncle Mark by doing an exploding poo while he was holding her!  It was a definite possibility she might though cause she hadn't pooed for about 3 days by this time, hence her giant pot belly earlier on during the day at lunch: 

Kate tickling the pot-bellied baby!

Chloe definitely loved her Auntie Kate.  Lots of smiling and cooing, especially when she tickled her tummy, obviously I'm going to have to grow my nails cause she seems to like them.  Who wouldn't like tickles?  Like mother, like daughter it seems.

Yesterday was a day of firsts.  Alex took Chloe to the doctor for her first vaccinations.  He wanted to take her on his own, their first outing with just the two of them.  I was more than happy to let him cause Chloe did not like getting stabbed with needles, though he maintains that he held a picture of me in front of her face while it happened so she would associate the badness with me.  He was told she might be a bit grumpy for a few days.  She seemed fine though and Kate and I set off up Arthur's Seat, Chloe's first time up there and my first time as well since we moved back here. 

On top of Arthur's Seat

Chloe, tired out after her epic screaming attack.

Chloe was good as gold until we got to Earthy where we stopped for lunch.  It was all going so well but something set her off and the wailing began.  It was heartbreaking.  She got herself so worked up, baby-tears flowing, face red and scrunched up, arms flailing.  Nothing we did would calm her down.  She must have gone on for about 20-30minutes, it was the first time I'd not been able to settle her and it was hard feeling powerless to make her feel better.  Not quite the relaxed lunch we'd been looking forward to but eventually she did stop crying - as long as she was being gently bounced and you didn't try to move her.  High-maintenance baby!

Tasty Feet!

Chloe was wearing a salmony-pink all-in-one suit the other night and Alex had been feeding Ramsay some ham earlier on.  I was holding Chloe in the kitchen with her legs dangling down around my hips when suddenly I felt sharp little claws digging into my leg.  I looked down and there was Ramsay standing up on his hind legs with his "ham face" on, batting at the bottom of Chloe's feet with front paws cause he thought they were pieces of ham!  

Cosy

Had a lovely little cosy morning.  Chloe was up at 4am for a feed then kinda went back to sleep but was awake again at 6:30am so I fed her again then kept her in bed with us as it seems the only way I can get some more dozing in the mornings - whenever I put her back in her cot in the mornings all she does is grunt, grunt, grunt even with a dummy in.  She was up again not long after and Alex was lamenting the loss of the weekend lie-ins.  Chloe lay there making lots of noises to herself (or maybe they were to us) and smiling away.  Her little vocalisations translated into "Mommy, go make daddy a cup of coffee" according to Alex.  I got up, dutifully made some coffee and when I got back to the bedroom father and daugther were both sound asleep and there I was fully awake!  Still, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.  I joined in and snuggled into Alex's shoulder with Chloe laying on his chest, her face inches away from mine, my arm draped over her bottom and my finger tucked into her little hand.  It was a lovely way to spend some family time.

Chloe shed her first actual tear today!  Unfortunately I was the cause of it.  I have my new Hoppediz woven wrap and I was practising the Double Hammock carry where she has to be on my back.  Well, she was NOT happy being tossed back there and screamed and shed a tear to prove it.  Luckily once it was tied she immediately shut up & went to sleep so she can't really hate it.  I will prevail with my babywearing!

And this is why I do so much laundry.....

So Chloe and I are chilling on the sofa, she's lying down beside me but starting to get restless so I decide a little face-time might interest her.  Wrong decision.  I lift her up, her face hanging inches above mine, my eyes looking into hers.  I'm talking to her and making funny noises to try to make her smile and I get rather the opposite reaction.  She vomits a large volume of sour milk straight into my open mouth which I then spew up all over her in surprise.  I didn't even see it coming.  Lovely.  Now we are both covered in milk clots with a sour taste lingering in our mouths.  I laughed so hard I cried.  She is now quite content and flopped out over my lap sleeping.

Just had a lovely evening watching Mamma Mia but the best bit was having a sleeping Chloe on my chest the whole time, legs and arms hanging down my sides.  She's so lovely, it's hard to imagine that this little person is going to grow up into an adult.  Alex needed some cheering up after so we had to do the "sleepy baby" swap to get her on his chest.  Unfortunately he now has a squirmy baby on his chest doing press-ups and a grumpy bottom lip but you can't win them all!

Home Sweet Home

1 day old

Mom stayed for 10 days after the birth and she was a God-send. Alex was at Uni for part of each day and with the C-section (and my now oedematous, elephantine lower legs & feet) I was still very sore and not very mobile. Chloe started out so easy and we were very pleased with ourselves that she'd sleep for 4-5 hours through the night without waking. That didn't last long! It took her a week or so to wake up after the birth but honestly she's still pretty good. I know a lot of moms who have had it much worse and I have to admit that I don't really feel sleep deprived at all. I would say she is the easiest baby in the world - she gets reflux and prefers to be upright rather than lying down which means we need to carry her most of the time, making going about daily tasks somewhat more difficult. Luckily I am into the whole babywearing thing and am quite happy to tie on a sling and have her with me. She has the odd evening when she'll scream unless you are jiggling her about - the exercise ball has come into it's own for this - or walking around with her, but she'll always go to sleep by the time we do so it isn't that bad. I did give in one night when she was 3.5weeks old and stuck a pacifier in her mouth when absolutely nothing else would console her. It worked but I felt so awful seeing her sucking on a piece of plastic and cried about it. It took a few weeks but I am over that now and as I type she is happily snugged against my chest in the sling with pacifier in mouth. In reality, I would rather she were content and sucking on it than beside herself crying and if nothing else works then so be it. One thing I have definitely learned is that mothers do what they need to to get through it all with some peace and sanity. I realise how judgemental I was and now I'm in their shoes, unless a mother is being abusive, I'm not going to criticize what they do even if it isn't how I would do something. I know some people probably think carrying her around everywhere is spoiling her but I don't.

1 day old

Pirate!

I know everyone thinks their baby is beautiful but Chloe really is a bundle of cuteness.  Hamster cheeks, long eyelashes with her big blue (for now) eyes and lots of hair on her head that puffs up like a dandelion after a bath.  During her first weeks she often only opened one eye at a time (pirate eye!) and peered at us through it so Alex called her his little pirate.  Mom and Dad even bought her an adorable dark blue babygrow from Gap with skulls & crossbones over it - she's wearing it right now in fact!  

"Look, I did a Poo!"

Nowadays at 6 weeks old she is much more alert, eyes open wide and starting to take in her surroundings a lot more.  She made me laugh out loud the other day when she was lying aginst my chest, pushed herself up on her arms and stared at me, her face inches from mine, and went cross-eyed!  She has also started properly smiling in the last week.  It just makes us feel warm and fuzzy when she does it, Alex said he was getting weepy last night when she was smiling at him.  She also likes to smile on her changing mat for some reason, or if she has done a poo!  She looks so pleased with herself while we are there cleaning up the poo explosions!  Everyone just loves to see her so she is getting lots of Skype action.  More than once I've been told "It's lovely to see you but we really just phoned to see the baby"!  They change so quickly at this age, learning new things that I guess they don't want to miss out on her.  She is going to be well handled when we go to Canada in October, I'll be lucky to get my hands on her I bet!

We went to watch the end of festival fireworks last night and took Chloe with us.  She was bundled up in a fleecy blue all-in-one against the cold and it was so cute.  She was good as gold and just slept against our chests, occasionally jerking at an especially loud bang, but generally peacefully sucking on her dummy.  The fireworks were magical, I felt like a little kid watching the beautiful explosions glimmering above us in synchrony with the classical music.

About 5 days old with Dad

Mom and daughter - about 10 days old

With Margaret - about 3 weeks old

With Peter - about 3 weeks old

  

Lengthy labour

Chloe was due on July 27th but I was convinced she'd be late.  However, on the evening of the 23rd I started feeling uncomfortable Braxton-hicks contractions all through the night and into the Saturday morning.  I'd had Braxton-hicks since the start of my second trimester but they had never been uncomfortable before.  Nothing really progressed at all and by mid morning they had more or less stopped so I convinced myself it was just "false labour" and took myself off to my massage appointment.  I had a lovely osteopathic pregnancy massage which I felt I really needed at that point after all the stress my 9 month pregnant body had been under with moving flat and all the re-decorating we'd been doing in the new one.  

That evening the contractions started up again, and now they were getting gradually more uncomfortable.  Alex was very excited but I was still trying not to get too excited cause I wasn't convinced it was true labour and I was also a little bit nervous about what was to come!  I tried to get some sleep but as I got more and more uncomfortable it was just easier to be up and walking round so I left Alex in bed and spent the night pacing around the living room and watching episode after episode of Bear Grylls "surviving" in various parts of the world.  I chatted to Kate on the phone who insisted I call Mom despite it being about 4am, so I called her too.  By early morning I'd called the hospital and the midwife told me to wait til the contractions were regular and 3 minutes apart, at that point they would consider it "established labour".  I'd been having them 5-10 minutes apart and that felt established enough to me!  I waited it out but by about 6am I was feeling pretty painful and though they weren't always coming every 3 minutes,  they often were and I wanted to get to the hospital before they got any quicker.  The drive in was less than fun, contractions really suck when you are stuck in one position and can't get up to move around.  Luckily we live about 10mins from the hospital so I didn't have to endure it for too long.

At the hospital I was examined and found to be only 3cm dilated and not yet fully effaced.  They don't admit you into the labour ward until you are 5cm so I had a ways to go yet.  It was disappointing news considering I felt I'd been in labour for about 7 hours and as far as they were concerned I wasn't even strictly speaking in labour at all yet!  I did get some pain relief (hello paracetamol and dihydrocodeine!) and the day was spent basically walking around the hospital trying to get the contractions to progress, interspersed with sitting around in a triage room bouncing manically on an exercise ball during contractions and waiting to be examined.  Despite my initial belief that Mom (who was driving up from London) wouldn't make it in time for the birth, I was proved wrong.  She arrived about 2pm and I wasn't much further along at all.  By 6pm I was still only 3cm dilated though somewhat more effaced so they told me to go home for a while.  I was getting more and more frustrated.  I'd been contracting painfully for almost 24hrs, had been awake for 36hours and still had a LONG way to go.  

Being at home was a particularly low point, I was so tired and it was this more than the discomfort that was getting to me.  I was exhausted and in pain with another sleepless night ahead of me, I hadn't even gotten to the hard part of the labour yet and I couldn't see an end in sight.  Some tears were shed.  Without the benefit of any codeine I resorted to a warm bath for pain relief.  It actually worked quite well, mainly cause it slowed the contractions down.  I spent a few hours languishing in the water in the dark, occasionally being hand-fed McDonald's fries!  I managed to rest for a while but once out of the bath the contractions gradually gained in strength again and by 1:30am I was back to bouncing on an exercise ball and pacing the lounge.  I think it was about 3:30am when we decided to go back to the hospital.  Thank god I was 5cm and almost fully effaced by this point.  They offered to let me go back home or head up to the labour ward.  There was no way I wanted to go home again, I was getting very uncomfortable and wanted some gas&air.  We were taken up to a LDRP suite with a birthing pool and I got in that baby as soon as I could.  I spent the rest of the night  dozing in the water between contractions and was thoroughly prune-fingered by the time morning rolled around!  I was soon up and at 'em and walking around the hospital grounds in an attempt to get the labour going again, unfortunately though my contractions increased my cervix wasn't going anywhere fast and I was still only 5cm.  They broke my waters to speed things up but it only succeeded in stopping my contractions all together!  Time for the Oxytocin drip and I said "yes please" to an epidural.  Best decision ever!  Actually managed to sleep on/off for about 4 hours unil they checked me again, expecting to find me 9cm dilated at least.  Unfortunately my body wasn't co-operating and I was only 6-7cm.  We gave it one more hour but it just got worse with my cervix becoming oedematous so the decision was made to have a C-section.  As much as I'd wanted to avoid it there really wasn't any choice.  I think we'd probably seen every midwife at the hospital by that point, each one saying "I'm sure there will be a baby by the end of my shift" and still no baby....48hrs was quite long enough, thank you very much.  

The C-Section wasn't awful but it wasn't great either.  I had a spinal block all the way up to T1 so even my arms were slightly numb.  I couldn't feel any pushing or pulling which was great, but it really dropped my blood pressure and made me feel nauseous so I spent the Op retching and laying there with my eyes closed.  Alex, being a medical student was offered to watch the Op and I told him he could, I was beyond caring at that point.  Apparently it took longer than normal, even lying cut open on the table Chloe didn't want to come out and the obstetrician had some trouble pulling her out with her head jammed in my pelvis.  She even had to get up on a stool for greater leverage at one point!  Eventually at 20:26 on July 26th they pulled her out at 7lb 4oz, quickly thrust her at me for a quick glance, then took her away to check her over.  I admit my initial reaction to the swollen purple baby in front of me was that she looked like a boy!  Luckily when they brought her to me in recovery she looked more like a baby and less like a giant blackberry!  It was surreal that this little being was what had been wriggling around in my belly for the last 9 months.

Just a few hours old

I remember that first night, exhausted but peaceful with this amazing little baby in my arms sleeping on my chest.  She was a natural at breastfeeding and latched right on, it was surreal feeling her nursing and looking down at her contented little blotchy face.  I don't think it really sunk in that after all that time, here was my baby!

We spent the next 3 days in the hospital and Chloe was a good little baby, rarely crying, sleeping most of the time and feeding well.  Alex came to visit every day, taking her in his arms as soon as he arrived and just sitting with her for hours. It was lovely looking after her and it all seemed much easier than we expected.  Certainly easier than the baby screaming angrily in the bed opposite!  It wasn't too bad being in a 4-bed room but after spending the night next to the chav in the next bed I was definitely ready to leave on Thursday.  We almost didn't get to leave due to the inability of one of the trainee maternity care helpers to use a set of scales correctly.  She calculated Chloe had lost 13% of her body weight since birth and they only allow 10% loss before they start instigating a rigid feeding schedule and want to keep you in to monitor feeding.  I burst into tears, hormones getting the better of me.  I was almost inconsolable and it was an odd sensation.  I just wanted to be home with my baby.  I insisted they re-weigh her (which took them several hours to do) as I just couldn't believe she'd lost so much and it turned out I was right - she'd really only lost 3%!  So we got home that day after all.

And so it begins.

Time passes quickly and it is so easy to forget all the little things (and sometimes the big things) that happen.  So much has changed in our world in the past 6 weeks since Chloe was born and whilst right now I can't imagine that I will forget any of it, I know how things can slip away from the memory.  So here I am, about to start writing about all of it.  It may be of little interest to anyone else but I want to remember these times, and one day Chloe might find it fascinating too.