At the end of the month I'm going to do something that I haven't done in a long time. I'm going to take a break. I'm getting on a plane and flying to New York. On. My. Own. For five days. Half of me is giddy with the thought of it, the (m)other half of me is already worrying. I mean, the longest Chloe and I have been apart is probably about 12 hours, and that's when we've been sleeping. Waking hours apart? Maybe six, possibly less. So I'm bit worried how she will feel about it. I keep telling myself she will be fine - Alex is here, Grandma & Grandad Eros will be here and she loves being with them, she'll be at home in her normal environment. She'll be fine. I just need to repeat that about a hundred times and I might start believing it. The terrible wails and instant hitching sobs of "Mama....Mama.....Mama" when Alex tried to do the bedtime routine without me tonight didn't do anything to dull my fears about it. Not sure what's going to happen when I'm not there to just step back in and help. Maybe I'll have to do it via Skype. I'm only half joking. Seriously.
Why the break? I guess I feel like I could do with one. It's been a difficult month or so. I spent the first half of December in a state of first-trimester hormonal exhaustion. It was like nothing I had ever felt before when pregnant with Chloe and feeling that wiped out and trying to look after a very busy toddler was harder than I imagined it would be. I'm very lucky to have a husband who helps me out so much cause I'd have been lost without him. Likewise for my wonderful family who took over Christmas and made it fun and special when I didn't have the energy to do so myself. This month hasn't started out very well, but it has been emotionally rather than physically draining. Unfortunately I've had a second miscarriage. I don't quite know how I feel about it yet. Sad and disappointed, obviously. Worried? Disheartened? Scared? I'm not sure yet. I know statistically this could just be a run of bad luck but that's little comfort. It also seems vaguely unfair that when I next get pregnant I'll have to go through all that exhaustion and nausea again. Hopefully next time we'll have something wonderful at the end to show for it all.
So I think it'll be nice to have a little break. Some "me" time. Chloe is weaned now, so for the first time in over 2 years my body is my all own. I shall be able to sit on an airplane and relax rather than pacing the aisles with a baby teetering on the edge of a boredom-induced meltdown. I will, without undue fear of messy hand prints, wear clothes that require handwashing, or god-forbid, are dry-clean only! I can drink cups and cups and cups of coffee, I can even get a little bit drunk. I can sleep in. It's going to be amazing and just what I need right now.
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