11 Lessons for Anyone Considering Being a Parent

I read this today and was laughing so much I actually cried.  (possibly partly out of fear of what is to come...)

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Project 365

I've recently come across Project365 which basically involves taking a picture every day for 365 consecutive days.  The idea is that you will literally have a snapshot of your life for one year to look back on.  Sounds easy doesn't it?  I bet it's not as easy as it sounds, especially if I want to have good pictures to look back on. Well, I am going to give it a try.  To keep me at it I'm going to be posting them to the Project 365 website, you can see my pics Here. Wish me luck.

09/01/11 - I promise not ALL the pics will be of Princess Grabby-Hands

Every parent's conundrum - to read or not to read the parenting "manuals"

Parenting books.  Now there's a market someone's making a lot of money in.  I can't say I've been terribly obsessive about reading any but I'll admit to having perused a few.  Despite having plucked some very useful information from some of them, I've found myself disagreeing with a fair bit as well.  My tactic thus far has been to just pick and choose, use what I like and ignore any bits I don't.  Am I naive to think I can just mother by my instincts and assume I'll end up with a well adjusted child with no long term sleep/food/attachment issues?  

Most mainstream parenting books would have me believe that what I am doing will create a child who will permanently cling to me and who will run riot through lack of discipline and boundaries in the few moments she can tear herself away from my side.  A child who will never go to sleep on her own and who will suffer from lifelong sleep disturbances when she finally does fall asleep, and that's only if she's lucky enough to have made it through the day without choking to death on the unsuitable non-pureed foods I've been supplying her with.  

I am eternally thankful when I find a book that I can read and think "Yes, this is what it means to be a parent. This feels right to me."  Unfortunately it seems that these days the concepts that I connect with are no longer the social norm.  I can't tell you how grateful I am to have found some places where I can discuss ideas with like-minded parents. The internet, with all its ills, can be a lifeline sometimes. 

For anyone who is interested in books/websites I have found inspirational, here is a list (you can click on the weblinks):

Unconditional Parenting: Moving From Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reasoning by Alfie Kohn

Natural Mamas Forum

Kellymom Website

Dr Sears' Website

Yoga Baby

Chloe's just been having fun discovering that feet exist, and today she's started a very impressive yogic feat (or should I say yogic feet?)

I've also started using some Ear Buddies to see if they make a difference to her slightly sticky-out ears.  Her ears are by no means bad we figured why not try and fix them painlessly now when she'll know nothing about it.  The upshot of it is that I had some fun making her all matchy-matchy with the little hat I put on to cover the tapes. 

Want a great toy for a baby?  buy them a space blanket, or better yet, fish one out of the depths of your father's hiking rucksack.  Let's face it, if he hasn't had to use it for the last 10 years he's unlikely to need it at all.  

We are currently waiting for Alex's parents to arrive from Vienna.  They've already been thwarted by the snow three times in as many weeks so this will be their 4th re-scheduling to try to visit.  And guess what has just started falling from the sky?  Surely Edinburgh Airport can handle some snow this time....surely?

My entry for "Wildlife Photographer of the Year"

It is just amazing how close you can get to some of the animals in Africa.

Favourite quote thus far...........

And the winner goes to...

"Quick, she's peeing on her face!"

The things that happen when you are trying to stop a baby from being covered in her own poo, eh?

Three continents in under 6 months!

Despite the dire weather warnings blanketing the news we found that there really wasn't any snow blanketing the roads and our drive down to Walton was easy going.  Driving through the frosted Scottish countryside was gorgeous and we were almost sad to leave what we knew would be a guaranteed "White Christmas".

View from the car window

We had a wonderful Christmas, Chloe was the star of the show.  I think, like all young kids, she had more fun playing with the wrapping than anything else!  For that matter, I think her Auntie Kate had more fun wrapping her up than anything else.

Chloe's Greige-y Stash

Wrapped Baby!

We pulled ourselves out of our post-Christmas langour and packed our bags for Marrakech.  Dad had sown some serious seeds of doubt as to whether we'd ever make it to our chosen destination on our second- (or possibly third-) rate airline but luckily Royal Air Maroc pulled through for us.  Flying with a 5 month old was definitely not as breezy as flying with a 10week old and once again I was SO thankful to have found the world of wraps when she was screaming her lungs out on the plane.  Alex and I both agree that we don't think we'll be flying with her again any time soon if it is at all avoidable. 

Marrakech was really interesting.  It was the first time either of us had been to a predominantly Muslim country and the atmosphere was decidedly distinct from our travels around Asia.  As a woman I didn't feel as comfortable, though with a baby strapped to my front and a husband by my side I certainly didn't get hassled at all, nor were there any attempts to swap livestock for me.  I'm slightly disappointed by that to be honest, Kate's worth totalled 5 chickens and 50,000 camels!  

Taking mint tea at Riad Kitula, our home for 4 days.

Demonstrating her readiness to move on to a glass of milk.

Marrakech is known for the shopping in it's Souk and the ubiquitous haggling that goes with it.  It's not really my preferred style but if you don't haggle, you'll get completely ripped off.  In fact, as Kate and Mom found out on the first day, even if you DO haggle you can get completely ripped off.  Basically if they aren't prostrating themselves on the floor swearing you are taking food out of their children's mouth you are probably paying too much.  When you've concluded a deal and the guy is giving you some extra stuff for free you know you've been ripped off!

Gimme that camera, damn paparazzi!

It was quite a laid back city, there was some hustle and some bustle in the Souk but it was very different from the hectic all-hours scrum we've experienced in cities like Bangkok.  Strolling through the shafts of sunlight seeping into the alleys as we walked past trinkets, ancient Berber "antiques", rugs, cardboard Fezes and vats of snails awaiting the pot was really quite pleasant.  As with most places visited for short jaunts, we really felt we were only just starting to find the nice places to hang out when it was time to leave, but such is the nature of travelling.  

Just chillin' while mom has another tagine.