Parenting. We All Do It Differently.

The last 10 days have been pretty tough.  Chloe's cold has been affecting all of us.  Before her cold her sleep had been showing some gradual improvements but suddenly we were back to square one with her waking every time she had a coughing fit, and other times in between!  She couldn't settle lying on her back so spent a lot of time sleeping on our chests as that seemed the only position she could settle in.  I think it's possibly been the most sleep-deprived I've ever felt.  There were moments, in the wee hours with a screaming baby, when my patience and resolve not to just leave her to cry was tested to the limit.  I'm glad I didn't.  I know a lot of people don't understand my feelings on this matter, or just how strongly I do feel about it.  In fact, it seems quite a foreign concept to some people and I often feel like I am very much going against the norm.  There is an overwhelming belief these days that babies must be left to cry themselves to sleep or they will never learn to self-settle.  In fact, I've been told that I am actually harming Chloe by not leaving her to cry.  I know a lot of parents use methods like Controlled Crying and letting babies Cry It Out, often to great success.  I know a lot of parents use these methods out of desperation and sheer exhaustion, and if they are at breaking point and it is the only solution for them that works, that keeps them sane and functional then I will never criticize someone for making that choice.  We all do what we have to do as parents to get through the tough times, and I'm sure we all do it with the best of intentions.  However, it is not a choice I want to make. 

I am so grateful that I have a husband who is supportive of me and my feelings on this matter.  That is not to say that even he hasn't considered whether Controlled Crying might be a solution and one sleepless night said we might need to try it.  The next morning I sat with a screaming, unhappy baby on my lap and tried to soothe her.  I started sobbing myself.  I pleaded to her to just stop crying, to settle at night and sleep because if she kept on like this I might be made to leave her to cry.  The thought of having to do that is what drove me to tears.  Not the thought of more restless nights or sleep-deprived cups of coffee in the morning, no, I could cope with that.  It was the thought of leaving her in her cot, screaming for me or Alex, screaming to be held, fed, comforted when she needed it, and eventually realizing that we weren't there for her and giving up.  Yes, we might end up with a baby who is quiet at night, a baby who sleeps more.  Our lives might be a bit easier, but at what cost?  I explained how much this thought upset me and Alex understands and supports me in this.

I sometimes look at the advice parents are given and think that society is increasingly of the opinion that we must distance ourselves from our babies.  That ideas like co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding and babywearing to name but but a few, will only spoil a child, make them "clingy" and "create a rod for our own backs".  That phrase in particular gets bandied about a lot.  When did it become unacceptable for a baby to need close physical contact from their parent?  When did we decide that a child, often younger than a year, should be able to be away from a parent without complaint?  Why the rush to separate ourselves from our children at such an early age for fear they will never develop independence?  Does society really believe that just because a child is "clingy", that they will still be clinging to their mother's leg at the age of 25?  Is it such a stretch of the imagination to think that if a child's needs are being met, physically and emotionally, then quite possibly as they grow, at an appropriate developmental stage, they will become independent individuals?  That allowing a child to decide when they are ready to be more independent is possibly more successful than a parent trying to force independence on the child?

All I know is that yes, I may have some sleepless nights, I may have to continue breastfeeding for a while  longer as she learns that food is for eating, not just throwing on the floor, I may have to strap her onto my body for the occasional nap, but I also have a happy (when she's not a sickly monster - but I'll forgive her for that!) thriving child.  I am at peace with our parenting choices, and I wish others could be as well.

For more information on Natural/Attachment Parenting see these links:

http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130100.asp