If Parenting Were a Country......

I once heard India described as "a total mind-fuck".  One minute you can be looking at something indescribably beautiful, the next minute you are staring abject poverty in the face.  If parenting were to be likened to a country then India would be my choice.  Highs and lows; taking the good with the bad; and sometimes it's just a total mind-fuck.

Only yesterday I was crying over how much love I feel for her.  Today I was crying for quite different reasons. When she awoke from her morning nap yesterday and cried out my heart jumped and I couldn't wait to enter her room to see her smiling face beaming at me.  This morning I was lying in bed while she had her nap, feeling exhausted and hoping to get some much needed rest.  When she cried out after only 35minutes, just as I was drifting off to sleep, my heart sank.  I'd spent an hour getting her to go to sleep for 35minutes.  It hardly seemed worth it.  I was brimming with frustration.

Just yesterday I was so full of hope about an improvement in Chloe's sleeping patterns.  We started trying some different tactics a few days ago to enable her to be able to go to sleep without needing to be rocked or fed to sleep.  That's all well and good first thing in the evening, but it would be lovely if she didn't need one of us to be able to get back to sleep every time she woke during the night.  Now, I'm dubious about "sleep training" and you already know how I feel about using crying as a method to teach babies to "self-settle".  But the changes we've been putting in place don't involve leaving her to cry.  It is basically just staying beside her cot, humming to her, stroking her, holding her hands etc as she falls asleep in her own time.  If we'd tried this a few months ago I'm sure she would have just screamed and screamed in her cot until we picked her up, however now she seems to be happy enough to lie in it and not cry if we are still with her.  As she gradually falls asleep you make sure you aren't actually touching her so that when she does fall asleep, she is doing so on her own.  You do this every time she wakes in the night too.  After a few nights you have less physical interaction in the settling and over a few weeks you gradually need to do less and less yourself and she needs you right there beside her less and less, until she can feel safe enough to fall asleep in her cot on her own without you being in the room.  That's the idea anyway.  While this is a gentle process for her, it isn't a quick one for me.  Not least because at first all she wants to do is crawl around and stand up in her cot - not very sleep inducing until she wears herself out a bit!  So needless to say I've been spending a lot of time in a darkened room humming the same tune over and over again.  It can be a bit mindless, especially in the middle of the night when I'm tired.  Still, we'd been doing it for a couple of nights and she'd started sleeping for 4.5hr stretches, longer than she has for a very long time, and it was taking less time for her to fall asleep on her own.  I was optimistic.  I was proud of the progress being made without resorting to crying tactics.  What is it they say about pride?  Something about a fall?  Last night sucked.  Plain and simple.  She was awake briefly at 8:30pm, 9pm, fed at 10pm, up again at 11pm then slept until 3am, awake again at 4:45am and wouldn't go back to sleep until 6am.  That one was the kicker. Sitting on a stool in her room for over an hour, feeling exhausted on 4 hrs of sleep, as she kept climbing up in her cot, bouncing against the bars and basically laughing in my face.  She was amused, I wasn't.  Alex was on a night shift at the hospital so I was on my own.  You can see why I was dearly hoping for a bit of shut-eye during her morning nap, and so frustrated not to get any.  

I feel like I've been trying so hard to be a good parent, to make her life happy and stress-free.  Am I selfish to occasionally wish that my efforts not to leave her to cry might actually come to fruition with a bit of unbroken sleep?  I was clearly over-tired and emotional and the floodgates opened and wouldn't close.  I felt rather bad waking Alex up, after he'd only been sleeping for two hours post night-shift, but I really needed a hug.  He was wonderful.  He took me in his arms then he took Chloe and told me I needed a break.  He told me to go meet Winkie for lunch without Chloe, and to have a glass of wine while I was at it.  So I did.  It didn't have the restorative powers of sleep but getting out on my own for a bit helped clear my head and I am grateful to him for doing that for me, despite how tired he must have been feeling himself.

So yes, it isn't always a baby-filled euphoria all day, every day.  I feel the lows as deeply as I feel the highs sometimes.  Once again, I don't know how I would cope without a loving, supportive husband beside me, and boy am I glad he is there!

Robert Munsch Knew What He Was Talking About

I occasionally come across stories of families who have lost their babies, it isn't as rare as you might think.  Whenever I read about it I can't stop myself from crying.  Until you are a parent yourself I think it is impossible to understand how deep the loss of a child can be.  I came across one such story this morning while Chloe was having her morning nap and once again, I burst into tears.  I thought of Chloe and how much I love her and how empty my life would be without her.  Her cheeky little smile, the hilarious gurning grin that shows off her bottom teeth that she's recently started doing.  How she has her babbling language that's developing every day.  How she is always on the go, her palms slapping the floor as she crawls purposefully towards yet another new and exciting thing to investigate.  Just as I finished reading, I heard some noises form her bedroom and went to find her standing in her cot, gently bouncing on the mattress, beaming a smile at me.  I gathered her up into my arms and hugged her for a long time.  I could go on and on all day and bore you all to death about all the things I love about her.  She's always entertaining and always interesting.  Even now she's just crawled out of the lounge on a new mission of destruction.  I can hear rustling so I suspect she has crawled into the office and emptied the bin and is spreading it's contents around the floor.  Let me go check. Yes indeed, caught red-handed:

I guess this is all just to say that I cherish every day with her, I take nothing for granted and I wouldn't trade the choice I've made to have a child and to stay at home and raise her for anything.  Any parent who has lost a child, has my heartfelt sympathies and I'm in awe of the strength they must have to continue living their lives with joy, despite the sadness that must never go away. 

I've always loved that children's story Love You Forever by Robert Munch, but now I truly understand it.  In years to come I too can imagine myself as an old woman, wanting still to hold my grown child in my arms at night and rock them to sleep saying to them,

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always

As long as I'm living

my baby you'll be.

A Week Away

Spring is here - the Magnolia trees are in bloom and it's warm enough to venture out without a coat (on some days).  Chloe and I just spent the last week down in Walton-on-Thames visiting Mom & Dad (a.k.a Granny & The Dude), as well as Auntie Kate who flew in from New York to see The Egg.  I felt a little bad leaving a poorly husband at home for a week, especially when it turned out he had severe Tonsilitis.  That means he was properly ill, not just sick with man-flu.  But leave we did, and he did survive without us.  It was the first time I'd traveled alone with Chloe and I was a little bit anxious about it.  However, I cunningly timed the flight with her afternoon nap and once I popped her into the ringsling and walked up and down the aisle, she slept the whole way.  Result.  Chloe didn't remember Mom, Dad or Kate and only wanted to hang with me for a while.  Kate was unimpressed with the sad cry-face Chloe made every time she looked at her.  After everyone made a right fool of themselves purely for her amusement she eventually relented and decided they weren't so bad after all. 

We both had a fabulous time down South.  Mom and Chloe and I popped into Kingston on Tuesday to pick up a few things for Chloe.  It was a great chance to try out another of my new slings that Kate brought with her from NY for me.  I have to say I got more odd looks from people with her on my back than I do up in Edinburgh.  

Our New Anniversary Pfau - not sure about the colour though....

On Wednesday the girls went out for lunch at the Cafe at Petersham Nurseries.  At the age of 8 months Chloe bagged her first Michelin Star - it took me 30 years!  It's such a lovely little place.  The cafe and shop are housed in an old, large greenhouse with packed dirt floors, mismatched antique furniture, rugs hanging on the walls. The food (and Rose Prosecco) was delicious.  Chloe had her first taste of dessert - Auntie Kate & Granny are very very bad influences!

Thursday was another culinary extravaganza.  As an early birthday treat for Mom, Dad took the day off work and the five of us drove just outside Oxford to Raymond Blanc's 2 Michelin-starred restaurant Le Manoir au Quater Saisons.  The house and grounds are so beautiful, the food was delicious and the little village it's situated in is adorable.  Such a perfect little corner of England.  Chloe had better not get used to that lifestyle any time soon!

Part of the Oriental garden at the Manor

Me and Mom, Awww, cute

After we thoroughly stuffed ourselves on a three course lunch, with additional delicious cheese platter and coffee with even more sweets, we decided to have some friends round for dinner!  Sophie and Johnny came round and spent the night.  Kate cooked up a lovely light dinner, I drank too much wine, stayed up too late and slept very deeply until Chloe woke me up about an hour after my head hit the pillow.  Then the hour after that....and so on.  It's like she knew.  

Friday dawned somewhat less gloriously than the weathermen led us to believe.  After a bit of a slow start Kate, Sophie and I headed up to London to do some shopping.  Chloe was left in Mom's capable hands.  I think it was longest I've left her, ever.  Felt a little bit weird and a little bit liberating too.  How often do I get to go clothes shopping with a Sis who is in the fashion business?  Certainly not often these days.  I'm in a bit of a post-baby clothing rut at the moment and really feel like I have no style identity these days.  I'd like my style to express me, not just to exclaim "Hi, I'm a mom!"  All this is to say that I was really looking forward to spending some money on some well suited pieces to define my spring/summer wardrobe.  Unfortunately neither Zara nor Topshop really wanted me to part with said cash.  Honestly, I do not know where I'm supposed to shop these days (that I can afford) if I can't at least pick up a few staples from those two stores.  Ah well, c'est la vie!

Kate stayed over in London so on Saturday it was just Mom, Dad and Chloe keeping me company.  We had lunch at the pub then wandered down the Wey Navigation on a beautiful afternoon.  

Home-made pizzas were consumed for dinner and Chloe miraculously started sleeping for decent chunks of time during the night.  And by decent I basically mean more than 3hours at a time.  And when I say "miraculously", it's really got more to do with discovering that if we feed her a lot through the day it seems to help at night.  I know that isn't rocket science but it's just in the past 10 days she has started really showing an interest in food.  I have to admit, I'm a bit sheepish about this, but the Baby-led weaning has somewhat gone out the window.  I had the best of intentions but Chloe wasn't really picking it up that quickly, which isn't abnormal.  If she had been sleeping better I'd have been happy to carry on as we were but after 8 months of little sleep I just got to the point where if spoon-feeding her meant she fed less from me at night, I was willing to give it a go.  I know increasing the volume of solids doesn't improve every baby's sleep but it does seem to be improving Chloe's.

Sunday was a day for just chilling in the garden before Kate had to leave for the airport. Like a typical British spring day, one minute it was so sunny I was worrying about suncream for Chloe, and the next minute the dark looming clouds took care of those concerns.  

Chloe and I flew back up to Edinburgh on Monday afternoon.  Sleep wasn't on the cards this time so I spent an hour trying to stop Chloe from alternating between grabbing at the very large man in the seat next to us and grabbing my glasses off my face.  It took her 8 months to figure out, but sitting in an enclosed space on mommy's lap, 6 inches from her face is definitely the best time to realise what a fun game that can be.  Fun for Chloe, not so fun for me. I could barely see through the smeary finger-prints after about 5 minutes. 

Grabbing my camera is also a fun way to kill time on a flight. 

So, a great week away, but it's also nice to be home.  

    

Babywearing - Why?

Happy baby on my back!

If you were to ask me what is the one indispensable piece of equipment to buy for a baby I would tell you this:  Buy a sling.  Any sling - a wrap, a ringsling, a mei tai, a soft structured carrier, take your pick.  I mean, ideally not a BabyBjorn-type sling, but if it is that or nothing then go ahead and buy one of those (there are far more comfortable options around for both you and baby and I'll explain why in a little post script at the bottom of the post for those who are interested).

I've managed to amass a bit of a collection of slings over the past 8 months.  I might, if pushed, even admit to being slightly addicted to wraps.  But what is not to like about them?  

The first time I wore Chloe in a woven wrap

They are practical - I honestly don't know how any new mother manages to get any cooking or cleaning done without one of these.  Seriously.

They are SO convenient - How fun is it strolling around a busy town centre with a pushchair, going in and out of shops, up and down stairs, getting on the bus or the train?  Unless I'm going clothes shopping I don't even entertain that idea anymore, so much simpler with a baby on your body.  How many times have you seen a parent with their child in-arms as they push the empty pushchair in front of them?  Much safer and more comfortable for all concerned to carry the child in a sling (and at the very least, if you do take your pushchair out - stick a sling in your bag just in case!)  

We've taken Chloe on a few holidays so far and not once have I regretted not taking a pushchair with us.  It is possible to travel light-ish with a baby!

In the Markets in Marrakesh

In the Jardin Majorelle in Marrakesh

They are comforting - I have slung a screaming child into submission on a number of occasions!  Ok, it doesn't always work, but the times when it doesn't, nothing much else will either.  Believe me, the calm you feel when it does work and that tiny bundle of screams is sleeping peacefully against your chest, or resting their head on the back of your neck, is indescribable.  

To steal another mother's expression - she had been a Hysterical Child of Doom a few minutes previously

They are so pretty!  4-5m of beautiful fabric wound around you - what's not to like?  And yes, this is one of the reasons you need more than one. How else are you supposed to co-ordinate your wrap with your outfit if you don't have a bit of choice?  No one ever said babywearing can't be fashionable too!

I could go on but I'd probably bore you.  Instead I am just going to spam you with more cute pictures of me and Chloe :)

Such a lovely way to have your child close and be able to interact with them in ways you never could if they were in a pushchair

Our Manduca - a buckle carrier with all the convenience of a BabyBjorn but so much more comfort

So, about that little P.S I mentioned earlier...  

Baby-Bjorns, and other similar copy-cat carriers don't provide optimal comfort or positioning for your child.  In these carriers the child's weight is being taken by their crotch and the base of their developing spine. How comfortable does that sound to you?  I know it isn't very appealing to me, and I imagine would be even less so for the men among us.  When you carry your child in a wrap, a mei tai or a suitable soft structured carrier (like an Ergo or a Manduca, to name but two) the child is positioned such that it's weight is spread from knee to knee, evenly across it's buttocks and thighs with no pressure points digging in.

Here is a pic of a mother carrying her 4.5yr old daughter in a woven wrap that demonstrates beautifully the proper "kneepit-kneepit with knees higher than the bum" position

pic used with kind permission - thanks!

A common question people ask about slings is if you can carry your child forwards facing outwards (FFO) in them.  There is a common misconception that after a certain age, children need and want to face outwards.  In fact, there are quite a few reasons why this positioning isn't optimal, and it is not a position I would ever recommend.  FFO positions do not allow a correct seated position as described above, they also force the child's back against the wearer's chest, preventing the naturally slightly rounded spinal position.  Head support in FFO is also lacking if they fall asleep.  So from a physiological point of view you can see that this is far from optimal.  Another consideration is that when FFO a child is being constantly bombarded by all the sights and sounds around it.  Now, some stimulation isn't a bad thing, but when FFO the parent is unable to see they child's face as easily and cannot judge as well if the child is becoming overwhelmed, nor is the child able to turn away from this stimulation if it becomes too much.  The child is also unable to see the wearer's face or to look too them for reassurance.  There are much better carrying options for inquisitive children that still provide ideal physical support and emotional comfort, such as a hip carry or a high back-carry.  However, these are not possible with Baby-Bjorns and the like. 

Now, I'm not trying to get all high-and-mighty.  I own a Baby-Bjorn, I bought one before I learned about other options.  I am talking from experience when I tell you that it is the least comfortable baby carrier I have ever used, not to mention one of the most expensive.  After about 45 mins of wearing it when Chloe was only 3 weeks old my lower back was in a lot of discomfort, and this was with the BB Active - the one with supposedly the best back support!  Contrast this to our recent holiday in Marrakesh where I wore Chloe (who was 5 months old at the time) for over 4 hours one day in complete comfort in a woven wrap.  I think you can see where I'm going with this. 

And My Work Here Is Done.

As you can see Chloe's cold is still in full swing.  Particularly attractive how the light glints off the snot don't you think?  She may still be leaking but she's feeling much better in herself, thank God.  Her second tooth is also coming through so we seem to be getting them out of the way in quick succession.  Better to clump the sleepless nights together I guess! 

She's getting so mobile now, you turn your head and she's out the door!  Our coffee table is no longer a coffee table - woe betide anyone who sets anything remotely breakable or spill-able on it.  As far as Chloe is concerned, anything placed on it has been put there purely for her own amusement, and will be treated as such.  She pulls herself up to standing any chance she gets...then lets go.  It's like she thinks she can stand on her own already.  Silly baby!

Another favourite past-time is playing with paper.  Any paper really. The more, the better.  We have a drawer in the kitchen with all our instruction manuals and warranties in it.  They don't stay in there for long if Chloe has anything to do with it.  She also finds amusement in spreading the contents of my dry-goods basket all over the floor.  I turned around one day to witness the trail of destruction she left in her wake as she crawled off towards the laundry room to see what damage she could wreak there.  She was pretty satisfied with herself.  It was pretty cute. 

God knows what I'm gonna do when she starts walking!

Parenting. We All Do It Differently.

The last 10 days have been pretty tough.  Chloe's cold has been affecting all of us.  Before her cold her sleep had been showing some gradual improvements but suddenly we were back to square one with her waking every time she had a coughing fit, and other times in between!  She couldn't settle lying on her back so spent a lot of time sleeping on our chests as that seemed the only position she could settle in.  I think it's possibly been the most sleep-deprived I've ever felt.  There were moments, in the wee hours with a screaming baby, when my patience and resolve not to just leave her to cry was tested to the limit.  I'm glad I didn't.  I know a lot of people don't understand my feelings on this matter, or just how strongly I do feel about it.  In fact, it seems quite a foreign concept to some people and I often feel like I am very much going against the norm.  There is an overwhelming belief these days that babies must be left to cry themselves to sleep or they will never learn to self-settle.  In fact, I've been told that I am actually harming Chloe by not leaving her to cry.  I know a lot of parents use methods like Controlled Crying and letting babies Cry It Out, often to great success.  I know a lot of parents use these methods out of desperation and sheer exhaustion, and if they are at breaking point and it is the only solution for them that works, that keeps them sane and functional then I will never criticize someone for making that choice.  We all do what we have to do as parents to get through the tough times, and I'm sure we all do it with the best of intentions.  However, it is not a choice I want to make. 

I am so grateful that I have a husband who is supportive of me and my feelings on this matter.  That is not to say that even he hasn't considered whether Controlled Crying might be a solution and one sleepless night said we might need to try it.  The next morning I sat with a screaming, unhappy baby on my lap and tried to soothe her.  I started sobbing myself.  I pleaded to her to just stop crying, to settle at night and sleep because if she kept on like this I might be made to leave her to cry.  The thought of having to do that is what drove me to tears.  Not the thought of more restless nights or sleep-deprived cups of coffee in the morning, no, I could cope with that.  It was the thought of leaving her in her cot, screaming for me or Alex, screaming to be held, fed, comforted when she needed it, and eventually realizing that we weren't there for her and giving up.  Yes, we might end up with a baby who is quiet at night, a baby who sleeps more.  Our lives might be a bit easier, but at what cost?  I explained how much this thought upset me and Alex understands and supports me in this.

I sometimes look at the advice parents are given and think that society is increasingly of the opinion that we must distance ourselves from our babies.  That ideas like co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding and babywearing to name but but a few, will only spoil a child, make them "clingy" and "create a rod for our own backs".  That phrase in particular gets bandied about a lot.  When did it become unacceptable for a baby to need close physical contact from their parent?  When did we decide that a child, often younger than a year, should be able to be away from a parent without complaint?  Why the rush to separate ourselves from our children at such an early age for fear they will never develop independence?  Does society really believe that just because a child is "clingy", that they will still be clinging to their mother's leg at the age of 25?  Is it such a stretch of the imagination to think that if a child's needs are being met, physically and emotionally, then quite possibly as they grow, at an appropriate developmental stage, they will become independent individuals?  That allowing a child to decide when they are ready to be more independent is possibly more successful than a parent trying to force independence on the child?

All I know is that yes, I may have some sleepless nights, I may have to continue breastfeeding for a while  longer as she learns that food is for eating, not just throwing on the floor, I may have to strap her onto my body for the occasional nap, but I also have a happy (when she's not a sickly monster - but I'll forgive her for that!) thriving child.  I am at peace with our parenting choices, and I wish others could be as well.

For more information on Natural/Attachment Parenting see these links:

http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130100.asp

It's Official.

Baby-flu is worse than Man-flu.  I know, I know, it's hard to believe but it's the truth.  Sure, men can (and do) complain so much you'd think they were on their deathbed, but at least they can vocalise their misery.  Actually, babies vocalise it too - they cry.  And by cry, I mean a relentless non-stop stream of aural displeasure.  Believe me, it's much more difficult to ignore that than the semi-pathetic whimperings of the man in your life.   Chloe at this exact moment is simply crawling around the living room emitting a constant stream of cries and sputterings.  I can distract her with toys, music, singing, slinging and the like for all of 3 minutes before it starts up again.  I cannot win this battle.  

This is her looking good these days.

Let us not forget the visual aspect of it too.  I don't think I've ever seen so much snot drain out of a nose before.  If it isn't one long goober, it's a cluster of bubbles inflating with every breath.  If it is this unpleasant to look at imagine how she must be feeling!  Add this to teething slobber and you have a pretty good idea of what her face is looking like these days.  Cute she ain't!  As much as I try to keep her clean I feel like Sisyphus pushing his boulder up the hill.  She invariably gets there before me and generally spreads the snot all over her face.  She has snot dried onto her eyelashes this morning. Seriously.  And if it isn't going all over her, guess who's a living snot-rag for the poorly girl?

Tooth!

So, to re-cap: teething baby + terrible Baby-flu = unhappy baby + tired mom.

She's living life better through drugs these days, but not much better.  I wish I could. Hang on, I am, and my drug of choice is caffeine.